I come to you with my broken heart in my hands

'The Door' by Jill Phillips
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I come to you with my broken heart in my hands
I come to you with my broken heart in my hands
Since you brought dead ones to life
I know you can do that with mine
So I come to you with my broken heart in my hands

I come to you with an anxious and troubled mind
I come to you with an anxious and troubled mind
Just like you did to the seas
I know that you will bring peace
So I come to you with an anxious and troubled mind

I ask I seek and knock
I ask I seek and knock
I ask I seek and knock
That the door will be opened

I come to you with the burdens I can not bear
I come to you with the burdens I can not bear
Your yoke is easy so I
Can trade them for one that is light
So I come to you with the burdens I can not bear

I ask I seek and knock
I ask I seek and knock
I ask I seek and knock
That the door will be opened
the door will be opened
the door will be opened

I come to you with a life that I do not own
I come to you with a life that I do not own
The door to your kingdom is grace
And you gave your own life away
That the door will be opened
the door will be opened
the door will be opened
the door will be opened
the door will be opened
the door will be opened

My heart is so full. I experienced so many emotions this week. Most of them positive, it really has been a great week. God has been showing me so much, teaching me new and wonderful things, enough for me to be a bit overwhelmed but I love this new insight. Let me copy/paste what I wrote in my journal on Tuesday:

This all started with church a couple of Sundays ago at Shawnee Hills. Pastor Riggle shared how an inconsistent attender, a young man, who had been visiting church the past couple of weeks/months had taken his life that previous Friday. A gasp ran through the congregation. Many people knew who he was but few, if any, knew him. They didn’t know the fights he was fighting. That didn’t know the issues he was struggling with. Pastor Riggle made the point that you need to talk to others, share what’s on your heart and what’s on your mind. You won’t know unless you communicate with others. Esp. since most of us see each other for only a few moments and don’t share what’s really going on.
Fast forward to lunch at my cousins house two weeks later. Caleb shared this really cool story of how God led him to talk to his friend, set up a meeting time etc. God was working in Caleb’s friend at the same time, and when they talked to each other, it was with the realization that God had told them specifically they were to meet one another. It was a cool story. I realized after this that not very many people talk like Caleb does, or if they do, it is to their select friends, their mentor, their roommate etc. Why don’t all the people of God share stories of the amazing things God does? God is doing His awesome God things everyday and it is only to the praise of His glory that we share them. When we’re not sharing them, well, I think we’re missing out on the blessing of hearing them, the encouragement they bring to our faith and our heart.
We don’t know about hurts that people have because we don’t talk about it or we don’t ask. By the same token, how are we going to hear about the wonders of God unless we ask or talk about it? Communication is the most fundamental thing in any relationship. Christians need to be better, more open communicators. We need to ask each other about the struggles we are facing, sin we need to confess, and praises to share.
In chapel today, the young alumnus of the year shared how God really did some awesome things and brought him to an area that was 80% unchurched. This guy was giving away the church money to other churches, rejoiced when people went to other churches that they found ‘more cool’ or whatever. He was rejoicing that they were in church. Not because he believed that once they were through the doors they were going to be saved ‘by the man they pay the big bucks to’. No. Quite the opposite. At least they were getting ministry. People, the actual ‘church’, were reaching out of the comfort zone, into their sphere of influence and sharing them about the love of Jesus. That’s part of our purpose as Christians, isn’t it? To give people opportunity after opportunity to know Christ and His love and purpose for their life. He dovetailed it all together at the end and said that the Gospel is not just about Christ saving us on the cross and it’s over the end. No! God does amazing things in our lives and it’s a further testimony of Him if we share this with other Christians. Again, God is pointing out to me specifically that we need to share with others. We can’t hide in our rooms, in our schedules, our routines and never share about God. We need to share about God all the time! We need to talk about God to everyone in our sphere of influence, not just non-believers.
This brings me back to another point that Pastor Riggle either made, or talked about that led me to this thought: We don’t know what the horrors people are facing when we see them for those few brief moments through out our day. What difference can you make in their life? Even if it’s for a few brief seconds. When you see someone coming behind you through the door way, do you smile at them because a friendly smile may be just what they need, or do you hold it open begrudgingly, just to be polite, avoiding their eyes, or do you not open the door at all? I’m not saying this is the epitome of the concept I’m trying to flesh out. I’m trying to change my approach people in general. You only see their exterior, you don’t know what’s going on mentally. I’ve heard of one girl who was suicidal last year; the only reason she didn’t kill herself one day is because a stranger smiled at her. It made her feel valued. Now I’m not saying that we don’t have our bad days, our down days, our busy days. What I am saying is that we need to look at people as precious and fragile. Smile. Make the most of every interaction you have with others. You don’t know the hurts they carry or the difference your smile and kinds words can make in their life.
Make it a goal to talk to others and ask questions. You won’t ever know their struggles or joys unless you ask. God does amazing things everyday and it is such a blessing.
Thanks for listening!

Love, Grace


Okay, now fast forward until today, Friday night. The chapels this week have been so convicting. Not of specific sins, at least not for me this time, but I was struck by the passion these speakers have. They have faced troubles and trusted God through them. Danna Gresh, former CU student and author of And the Bride Wore White spoke of her trying last year. She admitted that she is facing failure. Some of her important and famous projects are struggling financially, people aren't excited for the project, leaders are leaving, people are saying debasing things about her, etc. She admitted that she was failing. She said that with all grace and character. She admitted her flaws. True leaders will face failure but then walk through it and she was doing that day. She brought insight to the story of Athailah and her grandchildren found in the OT. The king died and his mother ordered all of her grandchildren and heirs to the throne to be slaughtered. She wanted the people to worship Baal unhindered. Scholars believe that all of the bodies were laid out in a room so that Athailah could see for herself that they were dead. God made a covenant that the Messiah would come through the line of Judah and it looked like it was impossible, but God does not break His covenant. Some one probably went through the bodies: "Please God, let someone be alive!" A baby, a one year old, he still had a pulse. They took him and hid him from the queen and seven years later he was crowned as king and the Lord was worshipped. This story is not about the king or the queen. It's about the covenant. God keeps His promises always. Danna was emphasizing that when all looks bad, at the end of our rope, God is faithful.

I took my lab practical right after hearing her speak. I'm glad I heard her, but I'm not sure I did stellar on my practical. I'm trying to get into PT school. I was going the nursing route, but lately I have no desire to be a nurse. Okay, maybe not no desire, but I'd much rather work with mostly clothed people in an encouraging, not stressful environment without blood and needles. I could see myself as being a nurse, but I am not sure that is right. So............ I reevaluated my current trajectory of academics and decided that this was too much. CU is not a cheap school and it would be so economical to graduate a year early. I thought about switching to psychology or sports medicine or something like that so I could graduate early and still fit in all my science courses. Allied health is a new major, and to make a long story short, I met with the Allied health academic advisor decided that is what I want to do. I haven't made the switch official, but it's pending a short meeting on Monday at 3. I'll let you know how it goes. It's been stressful though, because I've been trying to get into Structure and Function as opposed to Anatomy and Physiology. It's a level 400 biology class and would really be helpful on my transcript. Anyway, I'll fill you in more on that later.

A CU 2008 grad died on Sunday. I didn't know her, of her, or anything. However, we keep talking about her in Chapel, I've read her facebook memorial group, some people I know are grieving for her. It saddens me. I don't understand. Also, my lab partner and recent dear friend is going through a tremendously difficult time as well. His dad died this morning. I didn't even know his dad was dying when I realized I hadn't seen Daniel for most of the week. I thought he was skipping classes and then found out that his dad had a massive heart attack over the weekend in addition to appendicitis. The past two days his dad had been operating on 10% of his heart. I cried for Daniel. Joy and I both held each other and cried and prayed. What else can you do? I have never experienced grief. All of my grandparents and most of my great grandparents are still alive. I have never seen my parents grieve. I am unfamiliar with the anguish many on the CU campus are experiencing. I just know that I grieve for them. Daniel is the sweetest guy with an awesome testimony and now, I have no idea what he is going to do. He's on a touring team and has committed to spend the next summer traveling but I wonder if he will resign and be with his family. I just don't know. I can't imagine what pain he is in right now. I just hurt to see my friends hurting. It seems like everyone I know is hurting right now. I just feel so helpless. A dear friend of mine was in my room for almost an hour this afternoon, crying and sharing her broken heart with me. As much as my week has been challenging, hers was more so. In fact, her whole life is going to be challenging. I was grieved as I heard her story. I am angry at the people who keep hurting her. We prayed and when she left, I just got on my knees and prayed. Really, what else can you do? God is the true lover of our souls, the Sovereign one to whom we cry. I wonder if God prepared me earlier this week, with my epiphany about how we need to be sensitive to others because we don't know about their hurts. He revealed all this to me before anybody died or shared their story with me. I am greatly impressed by this weeks events. I think I still need a lot of time to process everything. I need to be making decisions about my future both long term and short term. I just am sure that this is the place where God want me now. I have no idea where He is taking me but I am confident that he holds my life and will show me great things.

More to come....