Just to Clarify

a letter I wrote to Caleb.

Hi Caleb.
I saw you today, spoke to you. Everything was normal, everything was fine.
But it wasn't.
I still replay that short conversation we had on Saturday over and over again in my head. Your words are still sharp in my mind and my heart. I actually was expecting you to deny what I asked you to confirm. I think I would have preferred a lie in that moment but I am glad you were honest with me.
When we saw each other Sunday and today... did you forget that we talked? Do you remember telling me what you're struggling with? I hate pretending that everything is alright. Clearly you are dealing with many issues right now but it isn't right or fair to hide them for my sake.
I don't know what to say or do. You probably don't know how much that conversation hurt me. I grieve.

In case you don't remember, as much as I hate typing these words: The conversation went downhill with the play, but I think our friendship went down hill at the beginning of the semester, or earlier. You mentioned how the play was... full of bad themes, sinful jokes... or something of that nature. Oh no, I told him I was entertained by the play. He must think I'm a bad person or not good enough. I didn't really respond to that comment and you continued with how you were concerned with what you exposed Kathryn too. What do I say to Caleb? We don't talk anymore, not deep conversations, and certainly not light hearted 'how are you and what are you up to' kind of talks. Here's a chance and ... it won't happen because I'm not good enough and he's not asking me anything! I want to hear about him but all I hear is this!
I mentioned this to you. I said I wasn't asking you to deny it, because I knew it was true. But deep down, I wanted you to deny it.

So now I know for sure. I suspected, I am my parents child after all. But I wasn't 100% sure.

I won't deny that I went through some of the stages of grief; shock, anger, etc. But I think I'm okay now. Maybe.
I don't want to be bitter. I'll still hang out if you want, after a while. But you have to initiate it. And I'm not emotionally ready to hang out with you either, because no matter what you say now, I'll still know that you have a hard time investing in me.

I didn't write this to condemn you or judge you. But I don't think you are following Biblical mandate at all in this matter, nor is it ever right to assume you have a closer relationship with God than another person. Believe it or not, I do have a personal relationship with God, and even though I do have sin in my life, God works through me and is growing me closer to Him.
But I digress. This isn't what this letter is about.

I don't want you to apologize. What would you apologize for? You already apologized that it's true, although your acceptance of the fact nullified any meaning that would have for me.

I just wrote this so that you would know what happened. So you would know why I'm giving you space, and giving me space as well. I am sorry that it has to be like this. No, I don't want to talk right now, and probably won't want to talk for at least a month, if not next semester.

I just wanted you to know.

I am praying for you.

Take care.